Friday, February 12, 2010

numbness

I’d been so good. I’d resisted the urge so long even when my mind swirled with thoughts and I just wanted the focus the pain and make it concrete and when I felt dead inside and desperate to feel. But jeans so tight. Fat fat fat. He lied he lied. He wants me to be fat. Not allowed to eat like others. Body hates me. I hate it back. Disgusting thighs. Huge, soft, barely able to fit in my jeans. I hate them. I hate me. I’m weak.

Then the blade and then, oh no so deep too deep, too wide; skin split like a mouth to scream the feelings that cannot find words too deep for words only blood will do. keep it together so stupid so stupid solving nothing and the blood wide open must get it together girl.

I know that everyone has their issues and problems, and though people seem happy on the outside, they’re suffering on the inside, but I’m so envious of their ability to at least ACT like it doesn’t bother them.
I can’t even do that anymore, when it gets this bad. I start to hate everyone and everything. Everything makes me want to scream and cry and act like a 5 year old.
I know it isn’t my fault, I can’t help it… But it doesn’t mean people aren’t going to judge me for it.But when it gets this bad, when it hurts this much, I can’t do it anymore. I can’t smile and I can’t laugh.

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