insomnia

I'm conscious. I'm conscious.
I'll always be conscious.
I'm not just not sleeping but I'm so God damn conscious.
I can't close my eyes because my mind is so busy with thoughts
They cradle the sounds that sound just like light
I'm conscious. I'm conscious.
It's dark and I'm conscious.
Sensations are sounds that keep me awake
Gnawing my nerves to make me insane
Rattling feelings to wake up my brain
Hours of awareness that bring on the pain
I'm conscious. I'm CONSCIOUS.
Hurting in places that don't have a name
Insomnia throbbing like night pounding rain
If I could close my eyes I'd be alright again
If I could close my head I'd lose all this pain
This consciousness always makes me insane

shopping with chloe

I couldn't sleep until around 3AM ish..close to 4. Woke up at around 9am and couldn't sleep in coz someone was renovating my parents' bathroom. I had my usual morning drink, up and go then continued with the book i'm currently reading, Jodi Picoult- keeping faith. I love jodi picoult books, lots of psychological insights. Dad brought home some lunch, I ate a bit then off to see Chloe at Garden city.
Bought stuff from temt, forever new, equip. We had coffee at the coffee club, I had chai latte..it was soo gooodddd!!!!
Next time we are gonna try the cheesecake from there. When we were at cotton on body i found so many nice things..of course something to do with Paris.






THEY ARE SOOOOOO AMAZING!! I want them all!!!!!!
Basically, we walked around from one shop to another until 5pm. I wish I don't get tired so easily, I would enjoy shopping for longer. We are planning to meet up again next week. Chloe is such an amazing girl, I'm so proud of all the hard work she's putting towards getting better. she is my inspiration, glad I met her in clinic.

numbness

I’d been so good. I’d resisted the urge so long even when my mind swirled with thoughts and I just wanted the focus the pain and make it concrete and when I felt dead inside and desperate to feel. But jeans so tight. Fat fat fat. He lied he lied. He wants me to be fat. Not allowed to eat like others. Body hates me. I hate it back. Disgusting thighs. Huge, soft, barely able to fit in my jeans. I hate them. I hate me. I’m weak.

Then the blade and then, oh no so deep too deep, too wide; skin split like a mouth to scream the feelings that cannot find words too deep for words only blood will do. keep it together so stupid so stupid solving nothing and the blood wide open must get it together girl.

I know that everyone has their issues and problems, and though people seem happy on the outside, they’re suffering on the inside, but I’m so envious of their ability to at least ACT like it doesn’t bother them. I can’t even do that anymore, when it gets this bad. I start to hate everyone and everything. Everything makes me want to scream and cry and act like a 5 year old.
I know it isn’t my fault, I can’t help it… But it doesn’t mean people aren’t going to judge me for it.But when it gets this bad, when it hurts this much, I can’t do it anymore. I can’t smile and I can’t laugh.

my 21st

I had my 21st on 2nd feb at sizzler for dinner and my house for afters. It was good to share my time with my friends, i love you all! It's so weird being 21, more responsibilities and I think my parents haven't accepted the fact that I'm not their lil girl anymore. I hope this year is gonna be a good start and may I be able to find peace and happiness.Got lots of pink presies and of course lots of eiffel tower stuff =D so fantastic!!! i love my presents. Had 7 shots of jager in a short period of time..man that wasn't a good move. i felt so sick but it was awesome at the same time. apparently I kept saying that I'm not drunk and wanted to sleep with someone. Man...alcohol does that to people. But overall I had a fantastic night =D
Thanks to everyone who came to celebrate my adulthood.


Angelica stayed over at my house and she ended up sleeping on the couch with chipoo. chipoo was really tired the next day coz he didn't get much sleep so was I. I was feeling so sick the whole night..was gonna puke. Man..i hate that feeling. But got what deserved. ended up sleeping for about 2 hours and woke up at 7. Watched some random shows on TV. Had massive headache, stupid hungover! then went back to sleep after lunch, richie was sleeping with me as well. Still had headache after i woke up from my nap but its all good.





HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! =D =D