insomnia

I'm conscious. I'm conscious.
I'll always be conscious.
I'm not just not sleeping but I'm so God damn conscious.
I can't close my eyes because my mind is so busy with thoughts
They cradle the sounds that sound just like light
I'm conscious. I'm conscious.
It's dark and I'm conscious.
Sensations are sounds that keep me awake
Gnawing my nerves to make me insane
Rattling feelings to wake up my brain
Hours of awareness that bring on the pain
I'm conscious. I'm CONSCIOUS.
Hurting in places that don't have a name
Insomnia throbbing like night pounding rain
If I could close my eyes I'd be alright again
If I could close my head I'd lose all this pain
This consciousness always makes me insane

shopping with chloe

I couldn't sleep until around 3AM ish..close to 4. Woke up at around 9am and couldn't sleep in coz someone was renovating my parents' bathroom. I had my usual morning drink, up and go then continued with the book i'm currently reading, Jodi Picoult- keeping faith. I love jodi picoult books, lots of psychological insights. Dad brought home some lunch, I ate a bit then off to see Chloe at Garden city.
Bought stuff from temt, forever new, equip. We had coffee at the coffee club, I had chai latte..it was soo gooodddd!!!!
Next time we are gonna try the cheesecake from there. When we were at cotton on body i found so many nice things..of course something to do with Paris.






THEY ARE SOOOOOO AMAZING!! I want them all!!!!!!
Basically, we walked around from one shop to another until 5pm. I wish I don't get tired so easily, I would enjoy shopping for longer. We are planning to meet up again next week. Chloe is such an amazing girl, I'm so proud of all the hard work she's putting towards getting better. she is my inspiration, glad I met her in clinic.

numbness

I’d been so good. I’d resisted the urge so long even when my mind swirled with thoughts and I just wanted the focus the pain and make it concrete and when I felt dead inside and desperate to feel. But jeans so tight. Fat fat fat. He lied he lied. He wants me to be fat. Not allowed to eat like others. Body hates me. I hate it back. Disgusting thighs. Huge, soft, barely able to fit in my jeans. I hate them. I hate me. I’m weak.

Then the blade and then, oh no so deep too deep, too wide; skin split like a mouth to scream the feelings that cannot find words too deep for words only blood will do. keep it together so stupid so stupid solving nothing and the blood wide open must get it together girl.

I know that everyone has their issues and problems, and though people seem happy on the outside, they’re suffering on the inside, but I’m so envious of their ability to at least ACT like it doesn’t bother them. I can’t even do that anymore, when it gets this bad. I start to hate everyone and everything. Everything makes me want to scream and cry and act like a 5 year old.
I know it isn’t my fault, I can’t help it… But it doesn’t mean people aren’t going to judge me for it.But when it gets this bad, when it hurts this much, I can’t do it anymore. I can’t smile and I can’t laugh.

my 21st

I had my 21st on 2nd feb at sizzler for dinner and my house for afters. It was good to share my time with my friends, i love you all! It's so weird being 21, more responsibilities and I think my parents haven't accepted the fact that I'm not their lil girl anymore. I hope this year is gonna be a good start and may I be able to find peace and happiness.Got lots of pink presies and of course lots of eiffel tower stuff =D so fantastic!!! i love my presents. Had 7 shots of jager in a short period of time..man that wasn't a good move. i felt so sick but it was awesome at the same time. apparently I kept saying that I'm not drunk and wanted to sleep with someone. Man...alcohol does that to people. But overall I had a fantastic night =D
Thanks to everyone who came to celebrate my adulthood.


Angelica stayed over at my house and she ended up sleeping on the couch with chipoo. chipoo was really tired the next day coz he didn't get much sleep so was I. I was feeling so sick the whole night..was gonna puke. Man..i hate that feeling. But got what deserved. ended up sleeping for about 2 hours and woke up at 7. Watched some random shows on TV. Had massive headache, stupid hungover! then went back to sleep after lunch, richie was sleeping with me as well. Still had headache after i woke up from my nap but its all good.





HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! =D =D

Just something random

After I visited my friend's house on Friday, I went to this new shopping centre "central park", only few shops are already opened there and still lots of more new shops coming some time this year. I found this lovely pearl chanel necklace and I had to have it!!! so I bought it of course with my mother's money =D.


It's so preetyy!!!!

Didn't do much on Saturday, went to friend's wedding ceremony and bought few dvds before hand. I still can't find New Moon anywhere..so sad. I bought scrubs,fame,greta,post grad...etc.

Today, I went out to have lunch at this fancy restaurant with "swiss market" theme. Its soooo bloody nice, the decoration, the food and the place..very innovative! the food was expensive though but preety good portion. I had ceasar salad and calamary, not a very healthy choice but they were yummy!!!I wanna go there again.







Our private room
The place is very unique and sophisticated. just amazing. ofcourse my sister was there with me. I'm gonna miss her so much when I'm in Perth. BTW, I was wearing high heels.

what a day

Today was both bad and good at the same time. I went to San Diego Hills cemetry to visit my late best friend, Olivia and also her father. Its an amazing place and it looks more like a holiday place than cemetery. It was the hardest thing to do sitting and talking to her and it was heavily raining but I didn't care. I would stayed longer if I was alone but dad was with me and he's not a very patience person. But next time I go there, Ill spend more time. It felt good to be with her again and I could feel she was there and listening to me. I miss her so much and I know it wasn't me saying goodbye to her but I was there to visit her and said how much i love her and miss her. She is always be my guardian angel and I know somewhere up there she is watching all the people she loves. I love you Liviee. RIP.


Then we had to stop at Plasa senayan shopping centre coz we needed the loo so badly, the traffic was very bad. I walked around the mall and bought bracelet and black shoes!!! amazing stuff =)
here's the pics:





around 7pm we off to pick up mum at Plaza Indonesia and the traffic was horrible...it was crazy. i love jakarta..i love jakarta (sarcasm). I was hungry on the way home but didn't have any snack in car so I just tried to sleep or at least closed my eyes.. I didn't sleep very well last night, kept waking up from nightmares and I think i was sleep talking. just great! That's about it.

present life

well,I have been sleeping over at Mila's house the past two nights. meeting her on Friday afternoon at Grand Indonesia then off we went to Plaza Indonesia to meet up with other friends for dinner at some fancy italian restaurant. we talked and ate a lot till it was nearly the end of closing time. Then we walked around the mall to find some presents and fancy stuff for ourselves. we spent a long time in this jewel shop and I got a ring and bracelet from Mila for my early B'day present =D.


we went to watch sherlock holmes the next day and it was preety good movie. ate caramel popcorn, my fave cinema food with my favourite drink, teh botol! went around for a bit and bought necklace and headband. then off to her house for dinner. couldn't sleep till 2ishAM so I decided to read a jodi picoult book.

Travelling

I have spent some time travelling around Java to visit my grandma and other families. I'm so glad that grandma is okay, she is 82 years old and still have a great memory. I wish she would come to Jakarta.


After my visit to see my grandma, uncle, aunty and cousins, I was off to Borobudur to see the temple. one of the seven wonders of the world. Its so amazing!!!! I don't know how they build that massive temple a long time ago where there was no such macine to help them. crazy! it took about 5 hours drive from grandma's place to Borobudur.



Bought lots of gifts from there. Then we off to Jogyakarta. bloody hectic in there, so many people selling 'batik' and random stuff. It was too crowded and wished I stayed there longer. we also went to visit grandma's lil sister in there.


me and Irene

Hoping to go to Bali next week =D

2009 reflection

This year is like hell of roller coaster for me personally,many ups and downs but after all i guess i through it all...I finish or get most of my short term goal this year,and it really impress with myself because of it...Next year gonna be a lot new experiment and situation...Lots of new hopes, expectations and goals waiting for me...and i believe that God just give me the best way to achieve it all...So i close this year with a reflection...

This has been one of the hardest, scariest and most painful year, and I wouldn’t have been able to get through it without you guys. I had given up on hope and I lost the strength within myself but, with the help of so many people, I am back on my own two feet right now. As much as I want to forget 2009, there are positive things I got from all the experiences I have been through in 2009. I want to welcome 2010 with peace and hopefully it will be a better year for all of us. There are things that are very special that I won’t ever forget throughout my life.

1. I want to say thank you to: Angelica Yap, Simone Joyce, Joanna Vincent, Megan Hoenavald, Maddi Leeke. Thank you for all your on-going support throughout my tough time, I love you all.

2. New friends I have made this year especially my TMC friends. You are all my inspiration and I am so glad that I have met you all this year and I promise we will get through this hell together. I am here for you and remember, there is a solution to every problem.

3. To my beautiful poodle, Richie. I love you so much, you are my brother, my angel and my everything. I wouldn’t trade you for anything. You are always there following me everywhere, staying up till late at night just to be with me. you are always there whenever I feel so low. I love you chipoo!

Take care everyone and have a good New Year <3